As children of immigrants, we are often raised with a relentless focus on achievement. From the moment we can comprehend expectations, we are taught to set goals, chase success, and strive for security. Whether it’s excelling in school, securing a high-paying job, or attaining financial stability, our lives become a series of checkboxes—each goal bringing a fleeting sense of accomplishment before we are urged to pursue the next.
But what happens when we accomplish everything on our list and still feel unfulfilled? Or when life throws us a curveball, and our carefully planned goals suddenly seem out of reach? When we cant take a day off without the feeling of guilt creeping up?
Too often, our sense of self-worth becomes entangled with what we achieve rather than who we are. That’s why, this year, I urge you to shift your focus: instead of being goal-driven, let’s explore what it means to be value-driven.
A Note: This article is written by Prerna Menon who is a therapist that specializes in working with the South Asian, Asian and immigrant community. Prerna, along with our other South Asian therapists are here to help you navigate this unique and delicate balance.
The Trap of Goal-Oriented Thinking Amongst Children of Immigrants
Goals are not inherently bad. They provide direction, discipline, and a sense of purpose. But when we live solely by them, we risk measuring our worth based on external accomplishments rather than internal fulfillment. For many children of immigrants, our goals are often dictated by external pressures—family expectations, societal benchmarks, or financial necessity—rather than an internal sense of meaning.
A goal-driven mindset can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a feeling of never being “enough.” If success is always defined by the next milestone, when do we get to feel content? When do we get to appreciate the life we’ve built? This is where a value-driven approach can make all the difference.
What Does It Mean to Live by Values?
Values are the guiding principles that shape how we move through the world. Unlike goals, they are not something to be checked off but rather qualities and ways of being that we embody.
Living by values means making choices that align with what truly matters to us—independent of external validation.
For example, a goal-driven mindset might push someone to become a doctor because their parents want them to, but a value-driven mindset asks: Do I actually value helping others in this way? If the answer is yes, then pursuing medicine aligns with one’s values. If the answer is no, then perhaps there are other ways to live a life of service that feel more authentic.
How to Identify Your Core Values
Shifting from a goal-driven to a value-driven life starts with identifying your core values. Ask yourself:
What kind of person do I want to be?
What brings me a deep sense of fulfillment and purpose?
What moments in my life have felt most meaningful?
What am I willing to stand up for, even when it’s difficult?
Some common values include authenticity, connection, creativity, compassion, growth, justice, and balance. There is no right or wrong answer—only what feels true to you.
Making Choices Based on Values
Once you have a clearer sense of your values, the next step is to integrate them into your daily life. Instead of setting rigid goals, ask yourself:
Does this decision align with my values?
Am I pursuing this path out of obligation or genuine desire?
How can I bring more of my values into my everyday routine?
For instance, if you value connection, you might prioritize deeper relationships over professional accolades. If you value growth, you might embrace challenges rather than fearing failure.
The Freedom of a Value-Driven Life
Living by values allows for flexibility, self-compassion, and fulfillment. While goals are tied to outcomes, values focus on how we move through the process. This shift can be particularly liberating for children of immigrants who have spent their lives chasing external validation.
When we align with our values, we give ourselves permission to define success on our own terms. We create lives that are rich in meaning rather than just impressive on paper. We also become more resilient—because even if a goal falls through, our values remain intact.
This Year, Choose Values Over Goals
So as you enter this year, instead of asking yourself, What do I want to achieve?, ask Who do I want to become? Let your values lead you, and trust that the right opportunities will follow.
It’s time to shift from proving ourselves to being ourselves. Because at the end of the day, our worth is not in what we accomplish but in how we live and love.
Let this be the year you embrace a value-driven life.
Summarizing The Cultural Case for Somatic Therapy: How South Asian Therapists Are Revolutionizing Healing
Part 1
The Pitfalls of Goal-Oriented Thinking Among Children of ImmigrantsChildren of immigrants are often conditioned to prioritize achievement and external success, leading to a life structured around goals rather than fulfillment. While goal-setting provides direction, it can also create a cycle of never feeling "enough," causing burnout and dissatisfaction when achievements don’t bring lasting happiness.
Part 2
Part 3
References
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.
Schwartz, B. (2004). The paradox of choice: Why more is less. Harper Perennial.
Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you're supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.
Authors
LCSW | CCTP
Specialties: survivors of childhood sexual abuse & incest survivors, existential crisis, race-based stress, gender identity & sexuality-related conflicts, cross-cultural issues, addiction, international students, family issues & acculturation
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