We all have multiple personalities. Yes, you read that right the first time. When I describe having “multiple personalities” in this context, I am not speaking to the clinical experience of individuals with Dissociative Identity Disorder. Folks with DID experience distinct and unique identity states, each with its own emotions, feelings, self-perception, behaviors and memories - a complex dissociative response to traumatic events. Instead, what I am speaking to here is the more universal experience of having different parts within ourselves that make us who we are. Our parts might include the anxious part, the exiled part, the protective part, the inner child, the critic and so on. These parts are not distinct identities, instead they are emotional states that live within us. In this blog we will be addressing our inner child, and will get curious about it, as it often holds deep wounds that have either not fully healed, or not been addressed at all. By recognizing and tending to this part - we begin our journey for healing, self-regulation, and compassion.
Understanding the roots: Childhood wounds and unmet needs
Who we are as adults - our patterns, emotional reactions and behaviors, are often shaped by our experiences in childhood. Before we could ever fully understand or process them. Childhood is a time where our nervous system grows to learn what safety, threat, connection and love are. We often think “My inner child is okay, nothing that bad ever happened to me”. However, little T trauma and wounds may also be caused to our inner child by the things that didn’t happen in our childhood.
Our parents, despite their best effort, may have been unable to meet certain emotional needs like being attentive, present, validating, unconditionally loving and accepting. As a result small wounds form within us. These wounds are not always easily identifiable and may be obscure and abstract. This could look like the child that felt forgotten because they had a high needs sibling, or the child who only felt lovable when they were “good”, or the child that never got to be a child and was forced to grow up too quickly.
Often these wounds manifest into protective patterns and behaviors such as:
Perfectionism to feel “good enough” or “worthy” of love
Fear of vulnerability leading to hyper-independence
Fear or rejection and disappointment leading to avoidance behaviors
People-pleasing tendencies to gain interpersonal approval
Undergirding each wound within us in an unmet need: to feel seen, soothed, safe and supported. The process of reparenting our inner child begins with identifying these wounds, and inevitably unearthing our unmet needs. Once we do this, we gain clarity around what these younger parts are still yearning for - in doing this we reclaim our agency - and begin to meet those unmet needs with patience and compassion.
Signs your inner child needs attention
Our inner child doesn’t disappear after the age of 18, or 25, or 60. It lives within us from the day of our first conscious experience to our last. As it lives, it also influences us, and may show up in ways we are unaware of and in ways we may not expect. Some common signs your inner child needs attention include:
An overwhelming sense of fear of rejection or abandonment
Big reactions to typically inconsequential situations
People pleasing tendencies
Feel ashamed of your body
Avoid conflict at all const
Inability to say no, or set a boundary
Negative self-talk and self-criticism
Difficulty opening up or trusting others
Acute feeling of shame or lack of self-trust
Feel ashamed at expressing emotions
These manifestations are a cry for help. This is your inner child trying to protect you, as it did when you were younger. It is a way of asking for safety, care and attention. It is asking you to look at it, to engage with it, to tell it that the two of you are going to be okay.
What is reparenting?
As described by Del Casale et al. (1982), “The term reparenting designates a therapeutic operation by means [of which] the patient is offered new parental figures with positive characteristics.” Simply put, reparenting is the process of giving yourself the care, love, protection, and guidance you may not have received in childhood.
In adulthood, these wounded parts — the inner child — still long for nurturing.
Since we cannot go back and change our childhoods, reparenting is about learning to give ourselves what we once lacked: love, protection, validation, and respect. It is the practice of showing up for ourselves in ways our caregivers could not.
This can feel discouraging at first. Many survivors wish someone else could step in and fill that role. But the truth is, no one can reparent us the way we can. While it may not be what we hoped for, becoming our own loving caregiver is the path to healing old wounds and rewriting those early narratives.
How to start reparenting
Reparenting yourself means giving the love, support, and care you may not have received as a child. While it may feel awkward at first, this practice builds stability and self-trust over time. You become the nurturing, safe presence your inner child has always longed for. Here are some simple ways to begin:
1. Build Self-Compassion
Start by noticing your inner dialogue. Are you harsh or critical with yourself? Shift toward kindness with simple affirmations like:
“I am a good person.” “I am doing my best.”
Another helpful tip, although slightly unconventional is - Talk To Yourself. Dialogue out loud. Although this feels strange and quirky at first, consider this, we talk to ourselves constantly. Just internally. However, externalizing this dialogue makes you face this harsh criticism, and gives you a tangible opportunity to challenge it. If you’re out and about, and have your headphones in your ears, this is a good opportunity to just “chat” with yourself, with nobody looking at you sideways.
2. Learn to Self-Soothe
When you feel anxious or overwhelmed, practice calming techniques: deep breathing, placing a hand on your heart, or grounding exercises. You’re teaching your inner child that comfort and safety are available.
A tangible exercise to try is called the Butterfly Hug. This is a greatly accessible skill that you can carry with you everywhere. It is attributed to Artigas and Jarero (1997) as part of EMDR protocols, often used for trauma stabilization.
What is the Butterfly Hug?
The Butterfly Hug is a simple, self-administered bilateral stimulation technique. You cross your arms over your chest, place your hands on your shoulders or upper arms, and alternate tapping each side gently, like butterfly wings. This tapping helps calm the nervous system, reduce anxiety, and ground yourself when feeling dysregulated.
How to Do the Butterfly Hug:
Sit comfortably and cross your arms over your chest so that each hand rests on the opposite shoulder or upper arm.
Close your eyes or lower your gaze.
Begin alternating slow, gentle taps — right hand, left hand, right hand, left hand — like wings flapping.
Breathe deeply and notice any sensations or emotions that come up.
Continue for 30 seconds to a few minutes until you feel calmer and more grounded.
3. Set Boundaries for Safety
Boundaries are protective, not punitive. A gentle but safe parent gives you firm yet kind boundaries. Learn to say “no” and surround yourself with people who respect you. Creating safe emotional space is part of good parenting — and now, you provide that for yourself. Practice saying no incrementally, and begin by doing it with people you feel safe with. Tired and don’t want to meet your friend who wants a drink at the bar? Just practice saying the following “Thank you so much for the invite, but I’m pooped after a long day. Let’s reschedule to another day? Love you and I can’t wait to see you!”
4. Use Nurturing Self-Talk and Affirmations
Talk to yourself like you would to a child who needs reassurance. Repeat affirmations from Pete Walker’s reparenting list. Start with one that you say to yourself every morning after you brush your teeth in front of the mirror:
You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.
All of your feelings are okay with me.
I am always glad to see you.
It is okay for you to be angry, and I won’t let you hurt yourself or others when you are.
You can make mistakes – they are your teachers.
You can know what you need and ask for help. You can have your own preferences and tastes.
You are a delight to my eyes.
You can choose your own values.
You can pick your own friends, and you don’t have to like everyone.
5. Additional Tips
Consult your calm, adult self when making decisions that feel overwhelming.
Acknowledge and reward small daily accomplishments.
Prioritize rest and good sleep to support emotional well-being.
Keep a reparenting journal where you list daily intentions and celebrate when they’re done.
Stay grounded through mindfulness practices to help you remain present.
Practice telling yourself “I love you” — even if it feels unfamiliar at first.
Reflect on joyful moments from your childhood to reconnect with innocence and wonder.
Create new, nurturing traditions and experiences for yourself.
Journaling Prompts for Inner Child Healing
Journaling can help you connect with your inner child and begin to understand their needs. Here are a few prompts to get started:
What did I need most as a child that I didn’t receive?
What messages did I hear about myself growing up, and do I still believe them?
When do I feel small, scared, or helpless in my adult life?
What would I say to my younger self if I could go back in time?
How can I comfort and support that younger part of me today?
The Power of Visualization Exercises
Visualization is a simple yet powerful tool for reparenting. Close your eyes and imagine your younger self sitting in front of you. Picture yourself offering comfort, warmth, and kind words. Wrap them in a hug, or hold their hand. Tell them: “You are safe with me. I will take care of you now.” Practicing this regularly helps create a deep sense of inner security and trust.
Reparenting in Therapy at Boundless
At Boundless, we often guide clients through a self-reparenting approach — a powerful process where you learn to become the nurturing, supportive figure you may not have had in childhood. This method, inspired by the work of Muriel James (1998), focuses not on replacing the parent figure with a therapist, but on empowering you to strengthen the healthy, positive parts of yourself that are already present.
In therapy, reparenting doesn’t mean that the therapist becomes your caregiver or authority. Instead, we help you identify and affirm the resilient parts of yourself — the parts that already know how to care, protect, and encourage. Through this process, you become the main force in your own healing, learning how to offer yourself the validation, structure, and compassion you may have missed while growing up.
This approach allows you to:
Learn to respond to your inner critic with understanding rather than judgment.
Offer yourself kindness and patience during moments of struggle.
Develop internal safety through consistent self-soothing practices.
Build self-trust by making thoughtful, nurturing decisions.
At Boundless, we see reparenting as both a therapeutic process and a lifelong skill. With gentle guidance, clients begin to internalize supportive, caring messages and develop practices that help them show up for themselves with the love, respect, and care they deserved all along. Over time, this creates emotional stability, greater resilience, and the deep confidence that you can be the safe, steady presence your younger self needs — and your present self still benefits from.
If you are interested in engaging in this powerful work, book a free 15-minute consultation with our team today.
The Ongoing Practice of Becoming Your Own Safe Parent
Reparenting is not a one-time fix — it’s a lifelong relationship with yourself. It’s about consistently showing up with patience, kindness, and care, especially when old wounds resurface. The more you listen to your inner child’s needs and respond with compassion, the more you build a foundation of trust and safety within yourself. Over time, you become the loving, steady presence you’ve always needed — and that relationship will stay with you through every stage of life.
Summarizing Healing Your Inner Child: A Practical Guide to Reparenting Yourself
Part 1
We all carry different parts within us — including a wounded inner child shaped by unmet needs and emotional experiences from our early years. These childhood wounds can manifest in adulthood as perfectionism, people-pleasing, fear of rejection, and self-criticism. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward healing.
Part 2
Part 3
References
Dean, M. (2020). Inner Child: What Is It, What Happened to It, And How Can I Fix It?. Betterhelp.com. Retrieved from: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/inner-child-what-is-it-what-happened-to-it-and-how-can-i-fix-it/
Del Casale, F., Munilla, H. L., de Del Casale, L. R., & Fullone, E. (1982). Defective parenting and reparenting. Transactional Analysis Journal, 12(3), 181-184.
Kneisl, C. R. (1991). Healing the wounded, neglected inner child of the past. The Nursing Clinics of North America, 26(3), 745-755.
Luna, A. 25 Signs you have a wounded inner child (and how to heal). Retrieved from: https://lonerwolf.com/feeling-safe-inner-child/
Moroney, Margaret (1989). “Comparison of 5 methods”. Transactional Analysis Journal. 19: 35–41.
James, Muriel (1998). “Self-reparenting and redecision.” Transactional Analysis Journal. 28: 16–19
Osnes, Russell (1974). “Spot reparenting.” Transactional Analysis Journal. 4 (3): 40–46.
Schiff, Jacqui (1977). “Biochemical evidence of cure in schizophrenics.” Transactional Analysis Journal. 7 (2): 178–182.
Authors
LCSW | CCTP Specialties: Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, Complex Trauma, Race, Gender &, Sexuality-related Conflicts, Anxiety, Depression & Lack of Fulfillment, Generational Trauma & Family Systems Issues and LGTBQIA+ Relationship Concerns
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