After working in the field of mental health for nearly a decade as a South Asian therapist, I often encounter clients, who struggle with the effects of growing up with narcissistic parents. The emotional wounds left by narcissistic parents can be significant, influencing a person’s self-esteem, sense of self, self-efficacy, relationships, and overall quality of life.
Drawing inspiration from literary works such as "Child of the Self-Absorbed" and other relevant research on the topic, my goal is to outline the key “make-up” of narcissistic parents and their implications. Please be aware that this discussion is not an armchair diagnosis of the readers' parents, but rather a reflection on patterns observed in my practice and a consolidation of research findings. This article delves into the complex world of narcissistic parents, offering insights and understanding to those seeking healing and recovery.
What is Narcissistic Parenting?
Narcissistic parenting is a type of parenting style characterized by self-absorption, lack of empathy, and an excessive need for admiration from their children. Narcissistic parents often view their children as extensions of themselves rather than as separate individual beings with their own needs and desires. They may use their children to fulfill their own emotional needs, rather than prioritizing the well-being and development of the child.
These parents may exhibit a sense of entitlement, believing that their children owe them loyalty, respect, and adoration at all costs. They may also be highly critical, demanding, and controlling, often using manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional abuse to maintain power and control over their children. Narcissistic parents may struggle to provide the unconditional love and support that their children need to thrive, leaving a lasting impact on their emotional and psychological well-being (Brown, 2001).
It's important to note that not all parents with narcissistic tendencies are diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). However, the behaviors and attitudes associated with narcissistic parenting can still have a profound and detrimental effect on children, even in the absence of a formal diagnosis. To recover from the effects of such an upbringing, we must understand narcissistic parenting dynamics.
“My mom criticizes my partner’s weight constantly; she does it in these horribly passive-aggressive ways.” - Anonymous
Narcissistic parenting is not simply about having high expectations or wanting to showcase one’s children; it involves a pervasive disregard for the child’s individuality and emotional needs. This dynamic can leave the child feeling like they exist solely to serve their parent’s needs.
“I don’t know if I want this job, honestly, I don’t know if I have a say, I don’t know what I want! I’ve never been allowed to explore what I want, so I just need to do what my dad wants, it’s basically his decision to make.” - Anonymous
Understanding the Effects of Narcissistic Parents
Growing up with a narcissistic parent can have far-reaching and long-lasting consequences for a child's emotional, psychological, and social development. The constant need for attention, validation, and control from the parent can create a toxic environment that undermines the child's sense of self-worth and autonomy.
“I just want her to tell me that I am pretty the way I am, I don’t need the constant feedback or self-improvement tips. If my mom looks at me like this, the world must think I am hideous." - Anonymous
One of the primary effects of narcissistic parenting is the development of a fragile or unstable sense of self. Children of narcissistic parents often struggle to form a coherent and stable identity, as they are constantly bombarded with the parent's own needs and agendas. This can lead to feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and a lack of self-awareness, making it challenging for the child to develop a strong sense of who they are. Children of narcissistic parents may also have a deficient sense of self-efficacy. This is one’s personal “knowing” of their abilities. Children of narcissistic parents may constantly second guess their decisions, experiencing frequent feelings of FOMO, regret, and self-doubt. They may need to consult everyone in their life, often ignoring their own motivations and values when making a decision.
Additionally, children of narcissistic parents may experience chronic emotional neglect, as the parent is unable or unwilling to provide the unconditional love, empathy, and support that a child needs. This can result in feelings of emotional deprivation, loneliness, and a deep-seated belief that they are unworthy of love and affection. The child may also internalize the parent's critical and dismissive attitudes, leading to poor self-esteem, anxiety, and depression (Hart et al., 2022).
Signs of Narcissistic Parenting
1. Living Vicariously through the Child: Narcissistic parents often impose their dreams onto their children. Instead of fostering an environment where a child’s thoughts and goals are prioritized, they may push their own unmet ambitions and goals, stifling the child’s individuality.
2. Marginalization: These parents may feel threatened by their child’s potential, resorting to criticism and comparison to maintain a sense of superiority. Phrases like “You’ll never be good enough” are common, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth in the child.
3. Grandiosity: A hallmark of narcissism is an inflated self-image. Narcissistic parents often view themselves as superior and expect their children to mirror this belief. This dynamic can create a toxic environment where children learn to equate worth with superficial achievements.
4. Superficial Image: Many narcissistic parents are preoccupied with appearances. They seek validation through their children’s accomplishments, often showcasing them as symbols of their own success rather than recognizing their individuality.
5. Manipulation: Emotional manipulation is a common strategy employed by narcissistic parents. They may use guilt, blame, or shame to control their children’s behavior, framing love as a conditional reward based on meeting their expectations.
6. Inflexibility and Sensitivity: Narcissistic parents can be rigid and easily irritated, expecting unwavering obedience. Any deviation from their expectations may provoke disproportionate reactions, reinforcing a power dynamic that stifles the child’s autonomy.
7. Lack of Empathy: These parents often struggle to acknowledge their child’s feelings, leading to emotional neglect. The child’s thoughts and emotions become secondary to the parent’s needs, which can result in the child adopting maladaptive coping mechanisms.
8. Dependency and Codependency: Narcissistic parents may foster a dependency in their children, expecting them to cater to their emotional or financial needs. This dynamic can trap the child in a cycle of caretaking that undermines their own growth.
9. Jealousy and Possessiveness: As children mature and seek independence, narcissistic parents may react with jealousy. They may perceive their child’s autonomy as a threat, leading to manipulation or attempts to reassert control.
10. Neglect: Finally, some narcissistic parents prioritize their self-absorbed interests over parenting. This neglect can manifest in a lack of emotional support, leaving the child to navigate life’s challenges alone.
Healing from Narcissistic Parents
Healing from the effects of narcissistic parenting can be a challenging and complex process, but it is possible. The first step is to recognize and acknowledge the impact that the narcissistic parent has had on your life, and to validate the pain and trauma that you have experienced.
One of the most important aspects of healing is establishing boundaries with the narcissistic parent. This may involve setting clear limits on the level of contact and interaction, or even cutting off contact entirely if necessary. It's important to remember that you have the right to protect yourself and your well-being, and that you are not responsible for the parent's feelings or behavior.
In addition to setting boundaries, seeking therapy or counseling can be incredibly helpful in the healing process. A therapist can provide a safe and supportive space for you to explore your experiences, process your emotions, and develop strategies for coping with the ongoing challenges of having a narcissistic parent.
Another important aspect of healing is building self-esteem and self-worth. This may involve engaging in self-care practices, such as mindfulness, journaling, or creative expression, as well as challenging the negative beliefs and messages that you may have internalized from your narcissistic parent. It's important to remember that you are worthy of love, respect, and validation and that you have the power to define your own identity and worth.
Navigating Life with a Narcissistic Parent
Facing a narcissistic parent can feel like a constant struggle. When you attempt to address their harmful behaviors, you disrupt the idealized world they’ve created for themselves, which often results in their feelings of shame and defensiveness. It’s crucial to remember that your feelings and perspective are just as valid in these interactions.
Here are some strategies for managing relationships with narcissistic parents:
Understand the Dynamic
Recognizing the nature of your relationship is essential. With a narcissistic parent, the desire for control often takes precedence over familial harmony. Attempting to negotiate or reach a compromise can backfire, as they are likely to twist the situation to their advantage. Acknowledging this unhealthy dynamic is the first step toward finding peace.
Accept Their Nature
Attempting to change a narcissistic parent is usually futile unless they express a desire to change themselves. Accepting them for who they are can alleviate some of the anxiety you feel. The hurtful words and actions directed at you are often reflections of their own insecurities and wounds.
Guard Against Gaslighting
Narcissistic parents may frequently make you question your perceptions or reality, often saying things that contradict the truth, like insisting it's sunny when it's pouring rain. Focusing on building your self-esteem and confidence is vital for your mental health and survival.
Show Compassion
Although it may not always be apparent, many narcissistic parents do care about their children on some level. Under their tough exterior often lies a deeply sensitive individual who needs empathy. Recognizing this can help you reframe your experiences in a more constructive light.
Cultivate Self-Compassion
After dealing with the challenges of having a narcissistic parent, it’s important to turn your focus inward and practice self-compassion. Acknowledge the strength it took to navigate such a difficult relationship. Learn how to soothe yourself and provide the love and care that may have been lacking from your parent.
Healing from a childhood shaped by narcissism is a gradual process. Allow yourself the time to heal and forgive, and prioritize your needs. It’s perfectly acceptable to set boundaries, take time for self-care, and say no without feeling obligated to explain yourself.
Build a Support Network
Children of narcissistic parents often struggle to have their experiences validated. Seeking support from friends, colleagues, or community groups can be invaluable in your recovery. Consider joining support groups where you can connect with others who share similar experiences.
Enhance Your Self-Worth
Despite the negative messages you may have received from your narcissistic parent, it’s crucial to recognize your intrinsic worth. Engage in activities that develop your skills and bring you joy, which can bolster your self-esteem and overall happiness.
Set Firm Boundaries
Narcissistic parents often test boundaries to exert control. Whether they intrude unexpectedly or disregard family rules, it’s important to establish and maintain clear boundaries. This might involve enforcing consequences when they overstep, even if it feels uncomfortable. Don’t hesitate to ask for space if necessary.
Communicate Openly
Instead of resorting to indirect or secretive communication, express your plans and intentions clearly with your narcissistic parent. Acknowledge their harmful behaviors and outline your responses. This transparency can help reduce misunderstandings and diminish any guilt you might feel about your choices.
Anticipate Their Reactions
Narcissists can be predictable in their behavior, which can help you prepare for their possible responses. By anticipating their moves, you can develop strategies to address their actions proactively, minimizing potential emotional harm.
Consider the Relationship
While societal norms emphasize the importance of family, sometimes distancing yourself from a toxic relationship is necessary for your well-being. Take time to evaluate the implications of potentially ending or altering your relationship with your parents.
Is It Possible for a Narcissist to Be a Good Parent?
Having a parent with narcissistic personality traits is rarely a choice anyone would make. The challenges of growing up with such a parent are significant, and while it may not be feasible to turn this experience into a purely positive narrative, some resilient individuals find ways to glean insights from their upbringing.
Children raised by narcissistic parents often develop a unique understanding of manipulative behaviors, learn to recognize personality disorders, and gain independence. If you can escape the influence of narcissism, focusing on the positive aspects of your journey can help you move forward.
Breaking the cycle: Parenting after a Narcissistic Upbringing
For those who have experienced narcissistic parenting, the prospect of becoming a parent themselves can be a daunting and complex challenge. The trauma and emotional scars of a narcissistic upbringing can make it difficult to develop a healthy and nurturing parenting style, and there may be a fear of perpetuating the same toxic patterns that were experienced in childhood.
However, it is possible to break the cycle of narcissistic parenting and become a loving, empathetic, and supportive parent. The key is to engage in a process of self-reflection, healing, and personal growth, in order to develop a deeper understanding of the impact of narcissistic parenting and to cultivate the emotional resources necessary to provide a healthy and nurturing environment for your own children.
This may involve seeking therapy or counseling to address any unresolved trauma or emotional wounds, as well as developing a strong support network of other parents who can provide guidance and encouragement. It's also important to be proactive in developing healthy parenting skills, such as practicing active listening, setting clear boundaries, and providing unconditional love and acceptance.
Ultimately, the journey of becoming a parent after a narcissistic upbringing is one of reclaiming and redefining the parenting experience. By breaking the cycle of narcissistic parenting and embracing a more empathetic and nurturing approach, individuals can not only heal themselves but also create a healthier and more fulfilling future for their children.
Moving Forward and Finding Healing
The journey of healing from narcissistic parenting is a complex and often challenging one, but it is a journey that is ultimately filled with the potential for growth, empowerment, and self-discovery.
By understanding the dynamics of narcissistic parenting, recognizing the impact it has had on our lives, and taking steps to establish boundaries, seek support, and rebuild self-worth, we can begin to reclaim our sense of self and create a more fulfilling and meaningful life.
It's important to remember that healing is not a linear process, and that there may be setbacks and challenges along the way. However, by remaining committed to our own well-being and self-care, and by surrounding ourselves with a supportive network of individuals who can validate our experiences and provide encouragement, we can navigate the path towards healing with greater resilience and self-compassion.
Ultimately, the silver lining of narcissistic parenting is the opportunity for profound personal growth and transformation. By confronting the pain and trauma of our past, we can cultivate a deeper understanding of ourselves, our needs, and our boundaries, and use this knowledge to create a more fulfilling and authentic life. It is a journey that requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to embrace the unknown, but the rewards of this journey are immeasurable.
So, let us take heart in the knowledge that healing is possible and that we have the power within us to reclaim our sense of self, our self-worth, and our ability to create healthy, nurturing relationships. With each step forward, we move closer to a future filled with greater self-acceptance, empowerment, and the freedom to define our own lives on our own terms.
References
Brown, N. (2001). Child of the self-absorbed: A grown-up’s guide to getting over narcissistic parents. New Page Books.
Hart, C. M., Bush-Evans, R. D., Hepper, E. G., & Hickman, H. M. (2022). The children of narcissists: Insights into narcissists’ parenting styles. Personality and Individual Differences, 184, 111185. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2022.111185
Hewitt, J. M. A., & Kealy, D. (2022). Pathological narcissism and psychological distress: The mediating effects of vitality, initiative, and mindfulness. Personality and Individual Differences, 184, 111185. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2021.111185
McBride, K. (2009). Will I ever be good enough?; Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. Atria Books. ISBN-10 : 1439129436
Malkin, C. (2015). Rethinking Narcissism: The secret to recognizing and coping with narcissists. Harper Collins.
Authors
Prerna Menon
LCSW | CCTP
Specialties: survivors of childhood sexual abuse & incest survivors, existential crisis, race-based stress, gender identity & sexuality-related conflicts, cross-cultural issues, addiction, international students, family issues & acculturation
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