Since you have landed on this page, you probably have had an encounter or two with Asian guilt. And I have to say - I have too. As a South Asian Immigrant and Psychotherapist in NYC, I am intimately familiar with the influence and impact of Asian Guilt on our well-being, joy, and agency. The purpose of this blog is to explore the emotion of guilt, understand guilt culture in Asian communities, differentiate between earned and unearned guilt, and offer strategies for coping with guilt in a manner compatible with one's values.
What is Guilt?
Guilt is a powerful emotion that typically emerges when one believes their actions, thoughts, or feelings are wrong or harmful. Alternatively, it can also be a reaction to failing to meet a widely acknowledged standard or one that you hold yourself to. Negative self-perception and feelings of regret are often associated with the emotion of guilt.When felt, this emotion can profoundly influence our lives, choices, behaviors, and actions, especially within Asian cultures - A culture deeply rooted in strong family loyalty, obligation, self-sacrifice, and obedience towards elders. To truly understand guilt, we must recognize that it can serve both as a moral compass and as a crippling force in Asian cultures.
Understanding Guilt: Earned vs. Unearned
As outlined above, when we believe that we have violated our own moral standards, we experience guilt. Commonly, these standards are imposed by society or by individuals that we have been exposed to growing up. There are instances when guilt can be a deeply helpful and positive emotion, helping us to maintain our moral compass and values. Other times, guilt can shackle us, and inhibit us from acting in accordance with our aspirations. To distill this further, a critical distinction needs to be made between guilt that has been earned and guilt that has not.
The term earned guilt refers to the guilt that comes from intentionally violating one's own moral values, such as by lying or stealing. With this type of guilt, we are motivated to make amends and correct our behavior. A feeling of unearned guilt, however, occurs when we feel guilty for transgressing irrational or imposed standards. For example, unearned guilt may show up as a result of setting a personal boundary with a loved one who believes you owe them respect at all times. Experiencing this type of unearned guilt can make it impossible for us to express our needs and set healthy boundaries, creating a perpetuating cycle of acting against our own values in order to avoid this anticipated conflict or discord with our family members.
Guilt Culture in Asian Communities
There is a strong sense of guilt culture in many Asian families that exists to promote socially acceptable behavior in a larger collectivistic society. Directly, children are often reminded of cultural norms and consequences that may occur as a result of violating these norms and indirectly through "guilt-tripping" and emotional manipulation. 99% of the time these indirect methods are a consequence of a parent's own learned behavior and societal pressures.
As mentioned in our introduction, guilt culture emphasizes loyalty to family, responsibility, self-sacrifice, and obedience to elders. In light of these values, it can be difficult for individuals to branch out and pursue personal goals that go against what is expected of them culturally. These pressures start at a young age, making unlearning difficult as an adult. Resulting in a chronic unconscious influencing voice that guides our perceptions of the world, and our decisions.
Asian children of immigrants, for example, feel indebted to their parents for the sacrifices they have made to provide their children with better opportunities. Due to this sense of obligation, children often experience internalized guilt, which makes it difficult for them to pursue personal desires that are at odds with parental expectations (Gupta et al., 2013).In many Asian cultures, these norms often prioritize collective harmony and filial piety over personal autonomy, leading individuals to feel guilty when they deviate from these expectations.
As a result, actions such as prioritizing self-care or pursuing personal goals can be accompanied by a sense of guilt, even when these actions are necessary for one's well-being.A 2013 study found that children from South Asian descent experience a heightened sense of pressure to conform to the expectations of their parents, resulting in significant stress symptoms, and other dysregulation issues (Gupta et al., 2013). Another study by Inman et al. (2007) found that the intergenerational gap and conflict that arise from mismatched cultural values between children and their parents, further complicates the emotional landscape of obligations, and guilt.
"Guilt culture can affect a wide range of aspects of one's life, including career choices and personal relationships."
The Impact of Guilt Culture
Guilt culture can affect a wide range of aspects of one's life, including career choices and personal relationships. As a consequence of conformity pressures, mental health challenges may arise, including anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and self-doubt. Guilt culture also lays the foundation for a “guilt” baseline, typically driving our decisions and choices, stripping us of agency and choice. A study published in the Journal of Immigrant and Minority Health found that middle-aged Pakistani men and older Indian and Pakistani women reported significantly higher rates of depression and anxiety compared to their white counterparts, highlighting the mental health struggles faced by the South Asian community in particular (Stansfeld et al., 2004).
Coping with Guilt Culture
By making the unknown known, we reclaim the narrative. We must make a conscious effort to recognize and address the ways in which guilt influences our lives in order to deal with guilt culture as a whole. To help you cope with the effects of guilt culture, here are some strategies:
Set Clear Boundaries and Limit Information Sharing: Be intentional about what your family and community know about your life to prevent them from using guilt to influence your decisions. This doesn't mean withholding from your parents or keeping secrets, but rather being tactful in what you share with them. Among these efforts is making it clear to your family members that your personal life is not a topic for community discussion, and is something you would like to keep within your nuclear family.
Recognize Gaslighting Behaviors: Keep an eye out for common types of gaslighting, such as being told you are overreacting or imagining things. When you see this type of behavior, name the experience to yourself, and redirect the conversation, name it out loud, or move on. Try your best not to internalize what is being said. Accept that others' refusal to acknowledge their actions is not your responsibility, and validate your own experience.
Reflect on your Life Choices: Take stock of your major life decisions and analyze how guilt has affected them. In understanding guilt and its impact on your life, you can make more informed decisions based on your own values moving forward and be empowered to make better decisions.
Prioritize Self-Love and Personal Fulfillment: Although it is important for us to honor our parents' opinions, living solely by your parents' expectations will leave you feeling like a shell of yourself and will inhibit your ability to find personal fulfillment. Bolster and prioritize self-love and strive to live a life that honors your chosen values and goals. By doing this, you can heal old wounds and build healthier relationships with your parents and community.
Get the Help you Need: Therapy is a results-proven way to navigate the complexities of guilt culture and build healthy coping mechanisms. In spite of the stigma surrounding therapy in many Asian communities, seeking professional help can provide invaluable support and validation. Through role-playing boundary setting, to learning tools to set emotional boundaries, therapy can help make the daunting task of navigating guilt culture with our parents a little easier. Working with a therapist who shares an identity similar to yours also allows you, and the complexity of Asian culture to be understood so you can get to the work that really matters.
There is hope, equilibrium and solace to be found. With some challenging but manageable conversations, introspection, and heaps of self-love you can reclaim your voice, whilst still honoring your relationships with your parents and family. Although it may sound cliché, you have one life to live. Let's make sure that it's a story you've written.
Summarizing How to Deal With Asian Guilt
Step 1
• Guilt is a strong emotion arising from perceived wrongs or failures.
• It can be both a moral compass and a limiting force.
• Differentiating between earned and unearned guilt is crucial.
• Earned guilt comes from violating personal values.
• Unearned guilt arises from irrational or imposed standards.
• Understanding this distinction helps in managing guilt effectively.
Step 2
Step 3
References
Gupta, R., Szymanski, D. M., & Leong, F. T. (2013). The “model minority myth”: Internalized racialism of positive stereotypes as correlates of psychological distress, and attitudes toward help-seeking. Asian American Journal of Psychology, 4(1), 15-24.
Inman, A. G., Howard, E. E., Beaumont, R. L., & Walker, J. A. (2007). Cultural transmission: Influence of contextual factors in Asian Indian immigrant parents’ experiences. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 54(1), 93-100.
Stansfeld, S., Tyrer, P., Weich, S., Nazroo, J., McKenzie, K., Bhui, K., … & Blanchard, M. (2004). Common mental disorders and ethnicity in England: The EMPIRIC study. Psychological Medicine, 34(8), 1543-1551.
Authors
Prerna Menon
LCSW | CCTP
Specialties: survivors of childhood sexual abuse & incest survivors, existential crisis, race-based stress, gender identity & sexuality-related conflicts, cross-cultural issues, addiction, international students, family issues & acculturation
Sam Urell
LCSW | CASAC-T | CTP
Specialties: complex trauma, addiction, relationships/attachment, LGBTQIA+ identity issues & exploration, existential crisis, men's mental health, anxiety, mood/emotional dysregulation, psychedelic integration
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