Why is disappointment so hard to deal with, and why should we begin to try to deal with it?
To be human is to have experienced disappointment at least once in your life. Disappointment is typically difficult for all sentient beings to deal with; the goal is to manage it well enough for it to not overwhelm you and be able to let it go.
For some, this feeling might feel more "sticky" than others because it touches on historical emotional wounds and layers. Some of these "sore spots" include growing up in a high-achievement/minimal reward household, having a traumatic rejection experience, learning to emphasize "outcome" and de-emphasize process, and being in a community that emphasized shame as a means of self-correction.
It's crucial to learn how to manage our reactions to disappointment, because every instance of "disappointment overwhelm" alters our mental schema, in a maladaptive way. These micro-instances have a cumulative and detrimental effect on how we see ourselves and the world around us.
Tips for dealing with disappointment at work
- Before anything else, acknowledge and validate what you are feeling. If you are experiencing rejection, validate that experience and allow yourself to feel the emotions showing up for you. Running away from the emotion or repressing it will only make it comeback 10x stronger in unexpected ways like bitterness, resentment towards others, or self-doubt. Practice the affirmation "In this moment I feel sadness greatly, but just like the waves of the ocean, I allow this feeling to take space, and I give it permission to pass".
- Speak to someone you trust like a mentor, advisor, or peer. Whoever you choose, make sure that they are someone you know won't amplify the feeling of disappointment but rather help you find acceptance around it.
- Acknowledge what you did RIGHT. Highlight your strengths, and what you think you did well.
- Go back to the drawing board. Ask yourself if there is any room for improvement? What can I do differently next time? Do I want to reassess my goals and my objectives to achieve them?
Do a quick mental review of the steps you took, account for controllable variables and uncontrollable variables.
- Decide your next steps. How do we help move this feeling along? How can we channel this feeling differently and allow us to see this as a springboard for growth?
This might look like taking your strengths, and areas of improvement and creating an associated goals list. What can I do to amplify my strengths, and strengthen my weaknesses in order to achieve my next goal.
Tips to manage disappointment in the context of relationships
Communicate with an open heart and speak clearly: Explain your feelings of disappointment without blame and with sincerity. Use "I statements" and express what your disappointment means and where it is coming from rather than what the other person did to disappoint you.
Remember that we are all human and practice empathy: Just like your heart is hurting, remember that your partner's might be too. Leading with empathy allows you to communicate your feelings without judgement and blame, making it easier for your partner to hear your feedback, implement it, and for the two of you to find resolution.
Don't run away from the word "compromise.": You chose your partner because they are a unique and special person to you. With difference, comes compromise. Adjust your expectations and find middle-ground to avoid the cyclical pattern of unrealistic expectations leading to disappointment.
Tips for dealing with disappointment in your daily life
Implement the strategies stated above, and above all else, develop a self-compassion practice. Nurture self-love by dialoging with your inner child like a loving caregiver would. What does your younger self need from you in times of disappointment? What do you wish your loved ones said to you in moments of disappointment? Begin to rewrite the narrative by practicing this inner-dialoging exercise.
How you can move through disappointment and become stronger for it
As with everything in life, old patterns die hard. However, the exciting news is our brains are plastic and hence, malleable (meaning: our brains can change it's function and structure in response to new stimuli). You have the ability to override this cognitive pattern of hyper-reactivity to disappointment with these small exercises and interventions. If you stay committed to developing self-compassion, interrupting cycles of self-doubt, and recalibrating your expectations, you can overcome "disappointment overwhelm" and foster emotional resilience.
References
Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 856–867. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22021
Gilbert, P. (2010). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life’s challenges. New Harbinger Publications.
Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223-250. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860390209035
Authors
Prerna Menon
LCSW | CCTP
Specialties: survivors of childhood sexual abuse & incest survivors, existential crisis, race-based stress, gender identity & sexuality-related conflicts, cross-cultural issues, addiction, international students, family issues & acculturation
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