A Brief Summary
"But what will people say?" aka "Log kya kahenge?" a phrase every South Asian kid has heard throughout their childhood. A phrase etched into our psyche, living rent-free and occupying 80% of the unconscious space in our mind, often influencing our thoughts, feelings, decisions, and choices.
This phrase is a common refrain in a lot of South Asian homes and encapsulates the fear associated with community opinion and social judgment. You may have heard this phrase said by a parent, grandparent, or "aunty" to deter you from engaging in a certain behavior. In their minds, these behaviors deviate from societal expectations and traditional norms. Hence, an effort is made to keep to the social order, hierarchy, and outline and so you may hear "Don't do that, what will people say?".
The purpose of this blog is to elaborate on the cultural backdrop, the psychological implications, and the gender dynamics of our phrase, as well as suggestions on how to combat its influence over us.
The Contagion and the Roots of the Phrase in the South Asian Community South Asian cultures are mostly collectivistic, and hence, the opinion of the larger community holds significant weight. Prioritizing social and cultural approval over personal autonomy. This phrase has historically and continues to have significant implications on individuals, deeply affecting their mental health and well-being. It results in internal turmoil - as one juggles personal desires and values with societal expectations. Tracing the origins of this phrase to its root causes, we find ourselves taking our first steps into the vastness of South Asian society and the layers and cultural textures of collectivism, community, and family. We enter a world in which reputation, honor, and what people say, count for more than in the individualistic societies to which many of us now migrate.
Exploring Its Intergenerational Transference
South Asian culture, as discussed above, emphasizes social roles, hierarchies, honor, and respect, especially concerning age. Hence, the phrase is often passed down through the generations. With great weight being placed on the words of elders. This passing-down of the phrase perpetuates the emphasis placed on social perception over individual choice and maintains the status quo.
How This Influences Individual Autonomy and Decision-Making in Adulthood
If you grow up in an environment where your decisions have always been influenced by those around you - you are likely to lack self-assertion and confidence in making independent choices, always second-guessing whether your decision was the right one.
This pressure to conform coupled with a fear of rejection can lead to many forms of mental illness, such as depression, anxiety, and somatic discomfort. When we feel that we must fulfill societal expectations, it creates a dissonance within us, where our authentic selves are split from what others demand of us.
Recent studies now show that 1 in 5 South Asians in the US report experiencing a mood or anxiety disorder at some point in their lifetime, a number which highlights the pervasive mental health challenges faced by the community (Mental Health America; see also SAPHA). However, there is a pervasive issue of stigma within South Asian communities regarding mental health issues, which stops people from seeking help. Research shows that South Asians express more stigma towards mental illness overall compared with other Asian sub-groups. This stigma is deeply rooted in cultural norms of protecting the family name and reputation, as well as avoiding shame (BPS). South Asians remain three times less likely to seek out mental health treatment than their White counterparts due to this stigma, as well as the lack of language and culturally competent services to address their needs (ADAA). Boundless offers culturally responsive therapy should you be interested in starting your therapy journey with a South Asian therapist who gets you! Book now.
Exploring the Gendered Aspects of Societal Expectations
In South Asian culture, society demands different sets of rules for women, often upholding a stricter moral code for women in comparison to men. This phrase is often used more commonly among women keeping - societal norms taut and traditional. This pressure may result in infringements on South Asian women's career choices, personal decisions, and social interactions.
South Asian culture tends to hold women to higher standards of piety and morality - this double standard perpetuates the inequities between the genders in South Asia.
This phrase, sadly, perpetuates traditional gender roles that dictate how women and men should behave: women can be expected to be demure, obedient, and homemakers while men can be expected to be more assertive and ambitious. Such strictures create expectations that confine self-expression and promote socially constructed identities.
Breaking the Intergenerational Cycle
The first step is acknowledgment and awareness building. This might involve looking inward and identifying our own internalized "what will people say" mentality. We can take it a step further and also recognize how we may have perpetuated the implication of this phrase amongst people in our community. Next, we're talking - internalized boundaries. This involves setting your boundaries with yourself to pause before acting as asking yourself "What is motivating me to make this decision" and "Who is motivating me to make this decision". If the answer is anything but "I am making this decision because it aligns with my values" try to pause. Allow yourself a stopgap, just some buffering time to truly offer yourself choice and break away from automatic choices. If after this, you go with an action that aligns with what others expect of you - then go right ahead, at least now you know you have reclaimed your agency,
Highlighting Shifts in Attitudes in the South Asian Community
There are growing shifts in attitudes among the South Asian community. Noticeably, individuals are challenging tradition and advocating for greater personal choice and autonomy. So surround yourself with community, community that feels familiar to you, and community that feels unfamiliar. Get curious about other people's traditions and cultures so you can expand your own.
Today you have taken the first step towards taking away the power that this phrase has. How have you done this? By naming the elephant in the room! South Asian culture is beautiful and with it comes rich tradition. Some wonderful, and some with room for adaptation to the modern times. It will require all of us to work together to uproot those norms and redefine the place they occupy in our society. A world where judgment itself is erased and the burden of harmful tradition shatters to pieces. A world where people can accept themselves for who they are, express themselves in whatever form feels comfortable to them, and enjoy full equality. A world where they are all free to move through a life that is self-guided, by the values they set for themselves, and the blossoming of who they are in every aspect. It requires more than a movement, it requires an uprising of the spirit–a spiritual revolution–where we re-invent culture to come out the other side, a world where every last person is free to be.
Author Bio Prerna Menon, LCSW
Prerna is the Co-founder of Boundless, a progressive mental health practice in NYC serving the South Asian and LGBTQ+ community. She is a queer immigrant of color that entered the mental health field in 2011 with a desire to be the representation she desired in the space as a child. With a deep passion for social justice, and writing, she is often featured on the Boundless blog.